dammit .. i'm tearing.
i wanted to tell my dad about my results..
telling him that band 3 did better than band 1 in english.

and i was about to say that i'm proud that i've finally passed..

but when he heard me saying band 3..
he just shakes his head in disappointment,,,
and i was like thinking ... didnt he already knew i'm in band 3?... =(

and he nagged.. talking more and more about studies and people who did much better than me ...
like as if,,, i'm really going to ITE...
...dang,,,HE CANT JUST...SMILE FOR WHAT I'VE EARNED.
. .. . i'm not happy.

.... omg la.... i dont wanna do this anymore...
nobody appreciates me or what i've done
okay... not nobody...
but.. my dad..
MY DAD...just put me down everytime
he's biased to my sister.

oh god i'm so sad
when i told him i wanted the bag...
he blabbered about everything about him earning money ,
and me spending it in just one day..
okay,, i agree on that,, so i'm gonna buy that bag next time..

so ,, my sis got her laptop today.
and i told my dad that i wont buy a laptop but i'll reuse my sister's
[trying to show him that i'm not gonna waste $]
and he just said : i will get you a laptop unless you go to ITE, whereby you join the wrong company etc etc... and nagged..

.. i just cant stand him sometimes,..
does he really thinks i'm a failure
that me, being his daughter,,, is a disgrace to others
cant he understand how i take in his words?
i'm tried my best for english, and thats a great achievement to me,
abling to pass the exams finally when our teacher was strict on the markings.
but he just ,,, cant , ..

haiya.

i'm not gonna dwell on this.
i've already gotten used to it...
just that it always seemed so new to me...


sigh....
dad,,, i know you want me to do well in everything...
you want me to be like my sister ...
shes smart, shes great, shes good.
but i cant...
you cant force me to be somebody that i cant be..
i wish i could too...
i know i have to work harder...
i will... but,,,not with your demoralizing lines.

you've nvr praised me since primary 4...
ever since i've stopped getting full marks....,,
den...primary 5, i fell in my subjects
and had to get back up...but ,,, i couldnt even make it halfway up.
and failed my subjects..
then you lost trust in me,,, always telling me that you wont care for me...
,,and you must know how serious i take your words...my heart was crumpled...
and had to stay in the toilet for hours to cry my heart out.
...pa,,i'm sorry for being a failure.,,
i wish you could just understand me,,,
i want you to feel happy for me.
i want you to be proud of me...i want you to praise me..like when i was primary 3
i've always wanted to prove you wrong,, i've always wanted to do better,
but no matter how hard i try,,, i just cant do it.
i've always told myself to try harder,,,
yeah i did,,,i've improved...
but i didnt tell you,, cause i know,,,i wont be happy anyway.




com'on mun,, add oil add oil.
=)







i choose path A.