bad memories linger for a long time

I feel so lonely..I realized many of my friends left me because I was being myself.. Whether it was for hating on my ex form teacher, whether it was for making friends with others..whether it was for being too close to the person they like in class.. And it all happened because I expressed my opinions too openly, because I try too hard to fit in. Even in primary four, I could tell that some were already hating on me because I was hardworking and my teacher doted on me a lot.. And in primary five and six, it was a new class and all I wanted was a little attention from my new teacher, I wanted to be the teachers pet again..but ofc she was a little biased.. and I got demoralized.. so my academics started to spiral downwards. And soon, hatred grew within me when my teacher announced to the entire class that I was last in class. And it wasn't easy to hear that when I was in the second best class..I started hating on my form teacher.. I drew pictures of her and just .. expressing my rage. Classmates around me found out and started to dislike me and I didnt have any best friends..I had one whom swear and cursed at me, sometimes she'd hit me too. But most of the time, all I had was just friends and no besties. Sure I didn't realize that I was being hated on until now..because all I wanted was to be good at everything that I do. I wanted to do my best..but I remembered I was sent to the Principal's office in front of everyone else.. because my chinese kept deproving until I was forced to drop HMT.. well, almost dropped HMT. I had to go into the normal chinese class by myself and I knew nobody there. I almost cried. They laughed at me because I was entering an EM2 class. Its not that I look down on them . . but the humiliation was too much for me to take. So many people were staring at me. So many laughed at me. 

I lived through it but did badly on PSLE, Dad was very disappointed in me. And I've never really disappointed my parents before so it was a huge plunge in my life and yeah ..my life became very dark and sad..but still I wanted to do well for my parents. I wanted to feel that same feeling of doing them proud..so..

In sec 1, I thought it was a fresh start for me, I made a lot of friends. I did well in exams etc.. I was very happy, like.. delirious. But somehow it didnt turn out quite well because there were a lot of distractions..and because I made friends with people that weren't from my clique. And it was because of that, they started talking. And we grew even further when I had to lie to them because I wanted the best for them. We started a small band ourselves..and because I wanted to have song nicely composed for them, I had to live a lie. Not gonna talk about it but when they found out that I was lying, and the fact that the song was composed by the person they disliked, the bond between us broke. My friends didnt believe in me anymore, I remembered that night when one of them said, "This is the friend you've made, a liar. She lied to us." I just ..broke down because all I wanted was to help all of us grow closer. I wanted to make things work. Sure I was mad at them because they're so unreasonable..I mean like whats wrong making friends with someone that they didnt like..the least they could do was accept and respect my decision as a friend..I still remember that night.. The pain, the sobbing. The feeling of losing everyone at once. It was like in primary school. After that incident, the band was never spoke of again, well, we did talk about it once but it was a bad memory because all of them started questioning me if I was still talking to the person whom I shall not name.. At that point of time, I really felt like leaving the place and just ditch them. Because I think I've had enough..I mean like, even between my girlfriends, we had quarrels..and somehow I feel that I'm the problem. If I weren't that dull and indifferent..I think we would still be friends right now. I know I'm at fault too. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to understand them. Maybe I should've been a better best friend. Even though we were all in the CCA, I felt that I was drifting apart from everyone else, I felt that nobody wants to talk to me in band at the end of sec 3. I felt unwanted, not welcomed. What pains me most is that they don't even realize that I'm gone after band practice. They see me walkin, they see me walking away but none of them bothered to stop me. And thats where I know that they don't care anymore. That was the breaking point, the limit to how much I can feel lonely and unwanted by my so called friends..But I felt happy when I left them, but sad when I knew that they were once my great friends. Haha, its okay now though..cause along the way, there was this girl that I've never really spoke much to in lower sec. But she has been there for me till today..we've helped each other tide over bad times and mend each others' broken hearts. Haha, I like how she has OCD and is a clean freak like me. And how we're so different in so many ways yet we have so much in common, our family background, our mums are alike, and our life goals are somewhat on the same 'frequency'. We're like bananas in pyjamas lol. we're so close to the extent that we know what we're thinking most of the time.. Ofc I'm talking about you weiyan. But till this day, i'm still sorry for bringing you down into sub science class.. if I hadn't ...

Anyway readers..sorry for this super long post because I've watched demi lovato's after-rehab video and it kinda inspired me to stay strong and express myself freely. I'm sorry for the bad english ... dont be a grammar nazi... I've become stupid over the holidays. My sentences are always half completed.. and I'm always 'like..., so yeah ..' ==; pardon me.. :( its 3.21am now..